The Rant/Rave Topic

[Fox]

This isn't really a rant. I don't know what to call it. I just know that i need a bit of advice. I admit that when it comes to matters like these, i really am up shit creek without a paddle.

Some people say that it's best to forget what happened in the past. Others say that those who do so may not get far into the future. Some say that lessons can be gleamed by taking the past into consideration. Others say that its just best to accept what's happened and to move on.

The past is past: what's done is done. Time heals all wounds and prepares us for the future.

But what do you do when the past comes back to haunt you?

Something happened six years ago that i wasn't prepared for, something that i never thought would happen to me at that early a time in my life. Nevertheless it did occur and i was able to move on no matter how painful it was and how long it took. For six years, i've been alone and i can say that i've managed to get by just fine. I haven't opened my heart to anybody in all that time and everything was just okay. Some of you might say that i'm just running away and that i'm afraid to face reality. It really doesn't matter because i've accepted what happened and my self-imposed solitude is just my way of dealing with my consequences of my decisions.

I say to myself that what happened was probably for the best. Everything happens for a reason and who am i to question my place in the grand scheme of things. My choices are mine alone and those choices are what determines my path. The decision we made six years ago was mutual and, i thought back then, final and irreversible. We both moved on, in life and away from each other. Even with what happened, we still managed to remain friends, albeit distant ones. As time passed, text messages and emails became fewer and fewer in between. Until finally, eight months later, there was nothing there anymore.

My maternal grandfather used to say there are no right or wrong decisions when it comes to life itself: only the decisions that have to be made. What's important is how you handle the inevitable consequences of those decisions. That was one of the lessons he imparted to me before he passed away. That's one lesson i've taken to heart and i live by it each day of my life.

But still, i can't help asking myself: Did i/we make the correct one on that day six years ago?

For the past five years, there hasn't been any word from that person. For the past five years, i've lived my life the way i wanted and everything was good. I've seen things, done things, experienced things that helped me grow as a person. For the past five years, life has been good and i do hope that everything continues to be.

But what do you do when, out of the blue, one person that you never expected to hear from again suddenly sends you a message that they want to meet up again. That's what happened earlier this day. A person who i thought was already out of my life comes crashing back just like that. One seemingly-innocent email and all pretense that i had moved on gets blown away. I thought everything was okay. I thought i was prepared should something like this happen.

I was wrong.

I am unprepared. I am very indecisive right now. I am not sure of what i should do. At first, i thought it was just a joke, that the name at the bottom of the page was just a coincidence. Then i see the words after the name. It's the exact same phrase that that one person always favored when signing off letters.

It is her.

Just seeing her name there unleashed a whole torrent of emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings that i had long thought buried and sealed away. All at once, i find myself remembering the times we were together, the days when the sun seemed to shine so brightly, the days when , the heady days when youthful innocence and self-assuredness made it seem that everything was perfect and that our lives were already mapped out for us. Those were some of the best six months of my life. Everything would have been perfect save that our paths in life were in someone else's hand. Where our tomorrow's lay was totally out of our control and we were forced apart. We decided to end it while it was still early because long-distance relationships never work out and we would only end up hurting each other if we tried to continue it.

Now she's back. She says that she's only in town for a few days and that she'll be leaving soon enough. She wants to see me again after all this time, even just once. I still haven't replied to her message because frankly, i don't know what to do. Why did she choose this time to come back. Why does it have to happen to me of all people. I'm perfectly content with what i have right now. I don't need to get my life thrown into disarray again when she leaves. I don't need another dagger through the heart.

I'm scared that, after all this time, i may still be carrying the torch.

That's why i don't know what to do. If i agree to her request, i just may be setting myself up for another fall. I may be thinking too much about it and i should just probably just take the request at face value but something tells me otherwise. She never was one to do things on a whim and there's probably another reason why she's here. I don't know really and i can't make assumptions at this point.

So i'm asking you guys, what should i do.

Do i take a chance and go for it?

Or do i just forget that none of this ever happened, that i never got the message and just continue living in wonderland?

Which path should i take?